


I Miss Him

by irls_goaway



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Survivor Guilt, i still dont know how to tag things, lmao no editing we die like men, spoilers if you havent watched season 7 and 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 07:14:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25346815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irls_goaway/pseuds/irls_goaway
Summary: Shiro was a leader, and being a leader meant you had to be level headed, or at least appear that way. He couldn’t afford to mourn for long or in public. He can’t let anyone know how much Adam’s death tore him apart. How he cried every night, but had to keep his composure because they were, well, fighting a war. How when his tears ran out, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Out of everything he has been through--being kidnapped, experimented on, dying--losing Adam haunts him.orShiro misses Adam and feels guilty for his death and hides it from everyone, but he finally talks about it with someone.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Curtis/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	I Miss Him

**Author's Note:**

> I was really sad when I wrote this because I was rewatching Voltron.

Shiro loves where his life is right now. He loves his friends, his coworkers, and most of all, his husband. He does. He loves Curtis, with everything in him, but years of battle have brought it’s death toll. Shiro considers himself lucky. Given all that he has been through, it’s a miracle that the death toll isn’t higher than it is. He is lucky. Very lucky, or so he tells himself.

He tries not to dwell on what he has lost and for the most part, it works. He can run and hide from what he’s feeling, but there’s one thing he can’t forget. He doesn’t tell anyone how he feels, especially not his husband. He feels too guilty.

It’s not like he was actually cheating on him, but he might as well be. He can’t let anyone know how much Adam’s death tore him apart. How he cried every night, but had to keep his composure because they were, well, fighting a war. How when his tears ran out, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Out of everything he has been through--being kidnapped, experimented on, _dying_ \--losing Adam haunts him.

Shiro visited Adam’s memorial plaque when he returned to Earth, which only made everything much worse. In the years he had been gone, Adam’s appearance hadn’t changed much. The only difference Shiro could see was that he looked more tired than he remembered. Fair enough. Seeing Adam’s face, even if it was just a picture, reminded him of things he didn’t want to remember. He never got to actually say goodbye. Adam’s last words to him were, _“Don’t expect me to be here when you get back.”_ And he wasn’t.

Shiro was a leader, and being a leader meant you had to be level headed, or at least appear that way. He couldn’t afford to mourn for long or in public.

Soon, he met Curtis, and he didn’t help him forget, but he kept him distracted long enough to laugh a real genuine laugh again. The gang liked Curtis. At first, Keith resisted Curtis’ attempts to get to know him, but he warmed up eventually. Shiro was happy that Keith was getting along with Curtis, but it stirred up some unwelcome memories.

Keith was the only one in the gang who knew or remembered Adam. Keith spent the majority of his young years with Shiro, but when Adam was introduced to him, true to form, Keith was hesitant. As Shiro and Adam’s relationship got more serious, Keith grew closer to Adam and the two would tease Shiro together and had their little inside jokes. Part of Shiro felt guilty for bringing Adam into Keith’s life, only to have him lose him. Keith didn’t need more people leaving him.

When they returned to Earth, Keith didn’t ask about Adam, so Shiro never said anything. He couldn’t trust himself to get through the conversation without breaking down, but they both knew. Keith’s soft eyes across the room from Shiro during meetings were enough to get his message across. They both missed Adam. They never spoke of it.

Yes, he loves Curtis, but he thinks that he never stopped loving Adam. Sometimes, late at night, he wonders if things were only a little bit different, if he would be married to Adam right now. It’s a terrible thought, because, again, he _loves_ Curtis, but he can’t stop himself from thinking about all the ‘what ifs’. If Voltron had reached Earth earlier and Adam and his fighters didn’t have to face Sendak and his machinery alone, he might still be here. They might have continued where they left off and today, it could have been Adam whom he married. He imagines they would have been happy. The two of them would fall back into old habits easily, and Keith would be excited to reunite with Adam once again.

God, he _loves_ Curtis. He swears he does, on his and all of Team Voltron’s life, but he felt the same way about Adam. His first love, whom he thought would be his last.

Sometimes, on nights like these, when he’s feeling especially bereaved, he turns the box. He doesn’t have much from before Kerberos, but Adam did. A few weeks following his return to Earth, he picked himself up enough to return to their old living unit. It was very different from how he remembered it, but he felt his breathing ease. For the first time in years, he was home. It still smelled like Adam.

The memory of taking in Adam’s scent in the morning brings tears to his eyes.

He remembers looking around the kitchen and finding the recipe Shiro gave him for Skittle cookies. He grabbed it and placed it into his pocket. He spent the next hour gathering anything and everything that reminded him of Adam, so almost everything. Adam’s old vinyls that he insisted were worth the extra money, Adam’s old throwing cards that he would use when they trained together, Adam’s favourite books, and whatever else he could cram into his pockets or carry in his arms. The last room left was their- _Adam’s_ bedroom.

His arms were full, so he grabbed one of their old moving boxes that they both never bothered to throw out and placed everything in it. He turned the doorknob to _Adam_ ’s bedroom and stepped inside.

The bed was made, a bit messily, but it was made. Shiro’s lips turned upward as he remembered how Adam used to bug him all the time that he didn’t make the bed, but since they were no longer students and senior officers weren’t checking in on their rooms, Shiro didn’t see the point. Adam and Keith would tease him for being lazy.

He turned to the closet. Immediately, his eyes landed on the jacket that Adam wore on their first official date. He grabbed it. He scrambled around the bedroom, only to stop when he noticed what was on the bedside table. It was a photo of Shiro. The photo was taken around two years into their relationship. In the photo, Shiro was laughing, sitting on a tarp in a field of tulips. He remembers that day.

It was one of their few shared day offs, so they decided to do something fun. Shiro planned it all. He bought all of Adam’s favourite foods and took him for a picnic in their favourite botanical garden off the Garrison. He was laughing at a really dumb pun Adam made about how the flowers weren’t his favourite “tulips”.

It was a beautiful day.

Shiro held the photo in his left hand. This photo wasn’t here when he left for Kerberos. That meant that Adam put it there. Adam put it there to remember Shiro. It’s all too much for him. It becomes too real. All the pain he put Adam through when he left, and was presumed dead. His knees wobbled and he came crashing down. Tears streamed down his face and onto the photo. Thankfully, the photo’s frame prevented it from being ruined.

“I am so sorry, Adam,” Shiro manages through shallow breaths.

Tonight, he feels like he did that day. His fingertips feel like they’re throbbing and his chest feels like it’s about to tear through his skin. The reminiscing, it feels like cheating. He remembers the way Adam’s callused hands would stroke his arm and massage the aches in his body, the way Adam’s lips would gently graze his skin when he wanted Shiro to stop working and relax, the way Adam’s face looked when Shiro told him about the Kerberos mission. He looked like he had been stabbed.

Shiro feels guilty for a lot of things. He feels responsible for Adam’s death. He feels responsible for Allura’s death and Lance’s ensuing grief. Most of all, he feels guilty for wondering about another man. Granted, that man is dead, but Shiro’s untouchable moral compass didn’t see a difference.

What hurt even more was that, out of anyone, Curtis was the one Shiro wanted to talk about this to the most. They were married, Shiro should feel comfortable telling Curtis anything, but it’s hard to tell your husband that you’re still in love with the dead guy who came before you.

Yes, he loves Curtis, he really does, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving Adam. 

After an hour or so, Shiro goes back to bed. He’s not sure if he’s woken Curtis, but if he has, Curtis doesn’t act like it. Sleeping here, with Curtis, he feels at peace, like he’s safe.

That night, he dreams of Adam.

By now, this is normal. Shiro is used to his dreams being filled with Adam’s face, his voice, his touch. This one is no different, but it’s more of a nightmare. He’s back on that day.

Sometimes the dreams play out exactly as it happened in real life and Shiro has no control over what happens. Like an out of body experience. Other times, the dreams actually interact with him depending on what happens. Shiro knows it’s pointless because it’s all just in his head and technically, he can do whatever he wants, but Shiro has control of everything in his life except his mind.

_“Takashi, how important am I to you?”_

_“Adam, that’s not fair. You know that I love you, but I need to do this. Otherwise, we’ll probably never find Voltron and we won’t be able to stop the Galra.”_

_“Takashi, if you leave, I die. You’re really going to just let me die?”_

_Adam would never say that. This was just a nightmare. Shiro tried to remember that, but it was hard not to look at the figment of his own imagination as Adam._

_“You left Keith. You left me.,” Dream Adam snarled._

_“Adam, I-”_

_“I trusted you, and you left us. You left us all. I needed you._ We _needed you.”_

_“Adam, please, I’m sorry, but I had to. If I hadn’t, the whole universe might be under Zarkon’s control.”_

_“You never cared about us.”_

_“No, Adam, please, I love you, god, Adam I love you so much, you must know that, right?”_

_“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left.”_

_“Shiro,” That wasn’t Adam’s voice._

_It was Curtis._

_“Shiro.”_

“Shiro, wake up.”

Shiro wakes to Curtis shaking him by the shoulders. He lunges forward, still panting.

“Shiro, are you alright? You just kept screaming ‘no’. It was just a nightmare. You’re safe here,” Curtis said as he rubbed Shiro’s back soothingly.

Before he can stop himself, he gasps out, “Adam.”

“You miss him, I know,” Curtis says in a hushed tone. 

He’d never talked to anyone about Adam, but Curtis didn’t seem to be angry with Shiro. In fact, he seemed supportive. It still felt wrong to talk about Adam to him.

“Shiro, tell me what’s wrong.” Curtis asked when Shiro didn’t speak.

Another moment of silence before Shiro says, “I never got to say goodbye.”

Curtis reaches for Shiro’s hand. He doesn't say anything, instead he allows Shiro to speak.

“I love you, Curtis, I do.”

“I know that, Shiro.”

Shiro takes in a sharp breath, “He’s gone and it’s my fault. He trusted me to be there for him and I just left. I try to forget because I love you, but I can’t. Everytime anything reminds me of him I fall apart. No matter how hard I try, I can’t forget.”

“Shiro, you don’t have to forget about Adam. You loved him. He was a big part of your life.”

Shiro sniffles. Curtis was being so understanding. God, he loves Curtis.

“You’re not angry?” Shiro mumbles.

“Shiro, of course I’m not angry. You have a past and so do I. What’s important is that we are here together now. If Adam could see you, I’m sure he would be proud.”

Shiro sobs again.

“He hated me when I left. You didn’t see his face. He could barely look at me. When I told him I was leaving, the look on his face. He was so angry, I’d never seen him like that. And he told me, not to expect him to be waiting here for me when I returned. He didn’t come to send me off and I didn’t bother asking him to because he was so angry.”

“You know, I knew Adam too,” Curtis began.

Shiro looks up at his husband.

“You did?”

Curtis nods before continuing, “Yeah, I repaired his jet a couple of times. He talked about you a lot. I didn’t ever get the feeling that he hated you.”

“You didn’t?”

“Yeah, in fact, I remember him telling me about his handsome boyfriend, who was too brave for his own good, but how much he admired you. He knew you did what you needed to. Yeah, he was a bit upset that you left, but he could never hate you, Shiro.”

“Well, now he’s gone.”

“He’s not gone, Shiro. He lives inside of you. Your memories of him keep him alive.”

That night, Shiro falls asleep in Curtis’ arms.

In the morning he finds Keith to talk about Adam. 

Shiro can’t forget Adam, and he probably never will, but for the first time in years, he was okay with that. He loves Curtis, he really does, but he loves Adam too. 

Shiro is lucky. He has two loves of a lifetime.

**Author's Note:**

> LISTEN,, I ship adashi with all my heart and it's hard to ship curtis and shiro because they had exactly 4 seconds of screentime with each other so,,,  
> I am also VERY upset about how VLD handled Adam and Shiro's relationship, but Curtis seems like a nice guy and as long as my bb boi Shiro is happy, I guess I can deal with it.


End file.
